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Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.