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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

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I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.